Going through a separation is one of life’s most difficult experiences and can often leave people feeling overwhelmed and alone. While parties can hire lawyers to assist with the legal issues, they may want to lean on friends, family, or professionals for emotional support.

This is a normal and healthy thing to do; however, it becomes a concern when a parent leans on their child or children, rather than on other adults. The process of a child stepping in to fulfill the role of a missing parent is called “parentification.” In situations where parents depend on their children for emotional support, children experience pressure to mature much too soon and are forced to take on a parental role, which can have long term effects.

Warning signs that a parent may be “parentifying” their child:

• They treat their child as a friend or confidante;
• They talk to their child about adult problems (including complaining about their ex-spouse);
• They seek emotional support from their child and talk to them about their separation;
• They expect their child to take on a role of surrogate parent for younger siblings in the absence of their ex-spouse;
• They expect their child to take on the majority of household responsibilities formerly performed by their ex-spouse; or
• They tell their child that they don't know what they would do without them.

Negative side effects of “parentification” on children:

• They may suppress their own needs, which in turn may affect their personal growth;
• They may be unable to experience normal, stable relationships as adults;
• They may miss out on a normal, carefree childhood;
• They may feel anger, guilt, or resentment towards their parents, which may negatively affect their long-term relationship with their parents;
• They may develop anxiety or depression;
• They may learn to care for others at their own expense; or
• They may have difficulty with adult attachments.

What you can do to avoid “parentification” of your child:

• Establish boundaries about what you will discuss with your child; remember that they are not your therapist;
• Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse to or around your child; remember that your child is half your ex-spouse and should never be put in the middle;
• When you need emotional support, talk to your friends or a counsellor;
• Consider taking your child to counselling so they can discuss their own emotional reaction to the separation;
• Do not tell your child that they will need to “step up” or become “the man of the house” after your spouse leaves; and
• Reassure your child that you are still the parent and that they don’t have to worry about anything other than being a child.

Separation is difficult on everyone involved, and often parents turn to their children for support. However, children are neither emotionally nor cognitively able to provide this support, nor should they. Children must understand that during this difficult time their parents will continue to be their parents, and they can continue to be kids. If “parentification” is a concern for you, speak to a counsellor who can provide emotional support to you and your child.

This article does not provide legal advice and the information should not be taken as such. For proper legal advice and current information about the law, you must speak to a lawyer.